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FF Sparks (Casual)

Resolution

So, I've DEFINITELY been pissing people off, as I try to figure out how to stand up for things.

I think what I'm going to do is simply step back, take a deep breath...and not interfere in anyone's life at all for a while. Period.

If they irritate me or piss me off about something, I'll simply cut 'em off until I figure out how to broach the topic. If they piss off someone else, I will leave it up to them to fix things themselves rather than acting as mediator. If someone vents frustrations to me and they aren't in my direct control, then too fucking bad, I'm not going to try and help them change them.

It's one thing I did a lot of thinking about when I was alone for a number of hours on Friday night, and again -- along with other things -- on my long solo drive back from Canada yesterday evening. So much of the grief in my life comes from the fact that I try to make other people's lives easier; I let myself feel their pain as if it were my own, and it prods me to react. I need to learn to cut off this empathy and just focus on my /own/ life rather than trying to fix everyone else's.

Maybe I really DO need a change. Break away from old things, find something new, move to a new town, I dunno. Maybe I just need some fucking caffeine this morning.

Comments

Changing yourself is always challenging in and of itself, and one of the hardest parts is getting people who know you to understand the 'new you' while you're still not even sure who that is. I wish you luck... be gentle with yourself, and with your friends. Cutting people off, even temporarily, can be useful, but it can be a lot more damaging than constructive, depending on the situation and how it's handled.

For the empathy thing... Dunno if this is your cup of tea or not, but the moral is a good one anyway. There's this biblical lesson which goes something like this... how can you take a speck of sawdust out of your brother's eye when all the while there is a great plank in your own? You can't. You have to take the plank out of your own eye, and then you can take care of your brother. You have to take care of yourself, and put your own needs first, before you can ever help anyone else. You're not going to be able to effectively help anyone when you yourself are hurting. I'm still working on this one, but learning to pace myself and not feel guilty when I couldn't do every little favor and job the rest of the world wanted to ask of me was one of the very best paths I have ever started down.

*hug* sounds like a lot of difficult thinking.... good luck.
I always get into these moods to change myself at times: change my friends, my hobbies, my job, my home... it's an odd thing. And sometimes, I think you just need to go with that.

I think it'll all turn out good in the end for you, though -- you might be surprised. And if you lose people, they weren't traveling your path anyway.
I'm not pissed off! ^_^
Just a random stray thought, but one of the things I've noticed when venting to my friends is that - sometimes - I don't want them to help me solve the problem. Which might sound assbackwards; why vent if I don't want a solution, neh?

But then again, at those times what I really want to do is think out loud with a person listening who can metaphorically interject occasional "You're not a complete loon" comments.

Which is, I think, why venting on my friends' parts usually doesn't bother me. I don't feel the need to help, since help isn't really what's wanted. And going "uh-huh" once in a while ... is not hard work.

Some advice on the subject of boundaries.

Rose's dad: The first step in solving any problem is figuring out whose problem it is.

Rose's mom: You can't change your friends. You can choose to either tolerate or not tolerate their actions. If refusing to tolerate their actions inspires them to change that's great. But you can't count on it. You just have to take your stand in the dark.

Rose: Own your choices. If you make the decision, it's your decision; your right and your responsibility. You have the right to make the decision, and then you have to take responsibility for it. If your friends are doing something you don't want to do, you have a choice of responses. The first step is to make that choice and the second is to own it. Don't make the choice without thinking through the consequences, good and bad, and when you've got those consequences, accept them. That's the only way to empower yourself. You make the call, it's your call. If your friends (me included) don't like the call, that's our problem. If you make the call, and _you_ don't like it, that's _your_ problem.

Anyway, all in all, even though you had a few crappy moments, I think you're making great progression in this whole personal boundaries thing. You even told _me_ to shove off. It was a proud moment, lemme tell ya! *sniff!* That's mah girl!!