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FF Sparks (Casual)

Ever have one of those days...

...when you realize you can't do anything right?

I dunno. Maybe it's partly sleep-deprivation, and frustration over some stuff that happened earlier today coloring my perceptions. Who knows.

I just feel like lately, no matter what I do, I end up pissing people off. Especially moreso now, where I'm trying hard to stand up for myself...I do it, and people get unhappy. Or I end up left alone, and so with a bittersweet victory at best. Worse still, I'm still /learning/ to stand up for myself more, and I'm still trying to sort out relationships one by one and figure out where I stand for /myself/, rather than where I stand based on what I think others want. But that's meant withdrawing a bit almost involuntarily from people as I sort out where I stand, and THAT's hurt people. But I'm not at a place where I can voice what I'm doing/thinking clearly yet...ergh.

This has led to something else, basically, which I don't like; I'm feeling very 'alienated' from people in general right now. Like I've changed the rules of my interaction by deciding to stand up for myself, but since so much of my day-to-day interactions were based on 'what others want from me', I haven't yet figured the new rules out. And as a result of trying to step back to figure out the rules, I'm pissing people off.

I've realized I've been doing this for a while. Even before my epiphany, I'd begun trying to do it...and I can look back and sort out that the 'experiencing the world through a sheet of glass' feeling I'd mentioned some time ago was part of this trying to step back and re-evaluate, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it.

I dunno...I guess I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But asking for help on this isn't exactly easy...or necessarily even /wise/. If I ask someone else to help me through this, no matter how good their intentions... well, it seems a little counter-intuitive to ask someone else to tell me how to stand up for myself and make my own decisions. It's such an easy pattern to fall back in...asking others to make my decisions for me. Letting them tell me what to do. And I have smart friends, many times, some of the ones I listen to are right about things. But even asking someone who's right about things a lot of the time to decide what I should do...that's not a good path to follow right now at this formative stage, right?

Bleah.

Comments

You're a good person. You've got a good heart: follow it.
You can get through this without help from other people, it will just take some trial and error, and take longer.

Change is hard for people, but your friends will stick by you. Telling them what's going on will help them through it (Even if it's just in your LJ).

You're doing the right thing. If you doubt yourself, listen to your heart, or if all else fails, remember, your friends told you to do this, so their hurt is just not understanding what's happening, or fear that you're leaving for good. *hug*
I think you're doing exactly the right thing, too! People are prolly pissed mostly because change in general irritates people, and they're just not used to you standing up and saying what /you/ want instead of just agreeing with them. Don't let it get to you; they'll get used to it!
Speaking as one of the 'they' in that picture, we weren't annoyed at her for standing up for herself (in fact, she got many hi5s and such for Showing Spinal Growth) -- but for the fact that she spent the rest of the weekend basically avoiding everyone and not speaking.

So, yes. By all means, Rach, stand up for yourself. :) But conversing with your associates is also a good thing.
Actually, Jen, that was only part of it. It's been something building for a little while, and I simply had a lot of time to think that one night.

I admit yes, I was irked the following day that after you gave me a talking-to the night before about how I needed to be more social and it was a mistake not to go along to the strip club, we went off and the social outing for the day ended up being me being asked to follow along in a second car with David to the park since there weren't enough seats in the van...but that then because there was no parking at the first park, it turned into a driving tour of Vancouver, and we kept getting nearly ditched in caravaning. I realize that was just circumstance conspiring, but it /did/ fail to put me in a social mood for some time afterwards. I also know it wasn't solely me. David shared some of my frustration, and in my case I really didn't even know why I went driving at all, since I'd seen Stanley Park and all the other stuff we saw; the only reason I went was to spend time with others, and that ended up not happening.

BUT. That was not the sole motivation for this post. It was about 10 things, all at once.

Driving too much

The driving around was a total of about 45 minutes. And it was all Chris' fault. ;)
Whenever you grow like this, a lot of who your friends are is going to change... either they won't be able to handle the change in you, or you won't be able to tolerate what they're trying to do to you anymore. There will be a few folk (who were quietly encouraging this change all along) who will remain true, but outside of that, it's only natural for your outside world to change when your inside one does. And the other thing is, as riverheart is discovering, it's hard to find really good people... but they are out there, and when you find them, hang on to them.

And no, while it's ok to ask when you just don't know, you should always make the final decision for yourself. Too many folks are owned by their ideas (or by other people)... owning your own ideas means you don't get jerked around by them.

But these are my ideas, and you can't have them. :) (You can shamelessly rip off most of it and add to it and make it your own, but if you steal it whole cloth, then I own you....)

--
But if you gotta “believe”
Try to hold onto something real
Something that we can touch and feel
Make it yours no one can steal it
The falling water might just free your “soul”

    -- Gaia Consort