Rachel "Sparks" Blackman (seattlesparks) wrote,
Rachel "Sparks" Blackman
seattlesparks

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Musings...

So, a little while ago, I realized that I let myself be pushed around too much. Today, I drove up to Canada with dpassmor to pick up wonderwombat and head into Vancouver for nlazarus's 30th birthday party, where we met up with chaosrunner and kieri and brent2005 and others.

Once we arrived, everyone was going to go to a strip club; I declined. There was pressure to go, though I pointed out everyone keeps telling me to stand up for myself. They agreed, though there was still some pressuring to come along. In the end they yielded, though they even got FJ to go off with them.

Sometimes, I think even my friends don't really realize how uncomfortable anything sexual makes me. Yeah, it's been two years...that doesn't really make it any easier. I probably mislead them a bit by trying to laugh off my discomfort. To make myself seem less unsettled by things...but really, every time a sexual situation comes up, I feel queasy. Unsettled. Seeing people take off their clothing in a deliberately seductive way makes me really uncomfortable; I hear all his excuses of 'you said no, but your body said yes' or 'if you didn't want it, you shouldn't have tempted me' echoing in my head. I mean...maybe he was RIGHT. Maybe trying to be attractive -- at that point, I /was/ actually wearing skirts or shorts and showing off my legs, actually /styling/ my hair, etc. -- was actually just asking for it.

After all, society is basically set up to think of people who are being attractive as objects rather than people -- look at strip clubs, case in point. I really haven't worn skirts or shorts since then except when I have to, and I pretty much let my hair style itself...I think that worry, that 'attractive' is asking for it, is a big part of it. It's why these days, I convince myself that I'm not attractive.

Strip clubs, or any sort of very sexual situation, will mess with all those defenses and really mess with my head. And I didn't give; I stood my ground, and let all the others go. Victory's sort of hollow, though; they're all off at the strip club, and I'm left behind. Yet, if I'd gone, I know I would be reliving nightmares tonight.

Ah, well. I think I'll stick around for a while, and then I may go and do something myself; I know my way around Vancouver well enough, and I didn't let them use my car, because I figured I might want/need it. I don't like being left behind, but I don't like being pressured into things anymore. C'est la vie.
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