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FF Sparks (Casual)

Musings...

So, a little while ago, I realized that I let myself be pushed around too much. Today, I drove up to Canada with dpassmor to pick up wonderwombat and head into Vancouver for nlazarus's 30th birthday party, where we met up with chaosrunner and kieri and brent2005 and others.

Once we arrived, everyone was going to go to a strip club; I declined. There was pressure to go, though I pointed out everyone keeps telling me to stand up for myself. They agreed, though there was still some pressuring to come along. In the end they yielded, though they even got FJ to go off with them.

Sometimes, I think even my friends don't really realize how uncomfortable anything sexual makes me. Yeah, it's been two years...that doesn't really make it any easier. I probably mislead them a bit by trying to laugh off my discomfort. To make myself seem less unsettled by things...but really, every time a sexual situation comes up, I feel queasy. Unsettled. Seeing people take off their clothing in a deliberately seductive way makes me really uncomfortable; I hear all his excuses of 'you said no, but your body said yes' or 'if you didn't want it, you shouldn't have tempted me' echoing in my head. I mean...maybe he was RIGHT. Maybe trying to be attractive -- at that point, I /was/ actually wearing skirts or shorts and showing off my legs, actually /styling/ my hair, etc. -- was actually just asking for it.

After all, society is basically set up to think of people who are being attractive as objects rather than people -- look at strip clubs, case in point. I really haven't worn skirts or shorts since then except when I have to, and I pretty much let my hair style itself...I think that worry, that 'attractive' is asking for it, is a big part of it. It's why these days, I convince myself that I'm not attractive.

Strip clubs, or any sort of very sexual situation, will mess with all those defenses and really mess with my head. And I didn't give; I stood my ground, and let all the others go. Victory's sort of hollow, though; they're all off at the strip club, and I'm left behind. Yet, if I'd gone, I know I would be reliving nightmares tonight.

Ah, well. I think I'll stick around for a while, and then I may go and do something myself; I know my way around Vancouver well enough, and I didn't let them use my car, because I figured I might want/need it. I don't like being left behind, but I don't like being pressured into things anymore. C'est la vie.

Comments

I for one, applaud your stand. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. And don't let anyone in the world pressure you to.

As to your comment about Him being right, I feel like I should smack you. (But in a nice way. :) The moment you allow the "maybe he's right" idea to take over, He's won. That sort of thing is never right. And don't ever let yourself think it is.

You're a very smart, and very beautiful, young woman. That in no way entitles anyone to take advantage of you. Period.

Just my thoughts on the matter...
I agree with Kenobi. I'm glad you stood up. I also want to lightly smack you for that comment as well. He wasn't right, he was justifying himself to make *you* seem like you did it, turning it into a self-blame/self-esteem sort of issue. It's also a trick, to make you think you had the ability to thwart it, when if you didn't dress up and the like - the situation could have still occured and the same excuses would have been put forth, making you still feel that way. Any event like that has to be one of the hardest things to overcome. I'm still in a situation where I do not feel comfortable (sexually) with anyone, even if they had been my significant other for many months or years. It's a huge trust thing, and I... well, don't trust anyone with that.

Surprisingly, one of the wackiest things that made me grow a little was my random involvement with The Rocky Horror Picture Show cast. This most likely won't help ya, but it came at a point in my life where I met a lot of people who were older than me, so I befriended the lot. I saw wearing anything skimpy mainly as a show. I didn't even regard it as anything sexual, like a strip show. It's just dress up and do the part and yell at the movie. Grand fun for all! I think stripping would bother me greatly, though. Along with drug use or drinking. I'm just an odd duck in general though :
Maybe trying to be attractive -- at that point, I /was/ actually wearing skirts or shorts and showing off my legs, actually /styling/ my hair, etc. -- was actually just asking for it.

Dressing a certain way, or styling your hair, or doing or wearing anything that makes you feel beautiful and good about yourself... none of that gives anyone the right to take advantage of you or make you do things you don't want to do. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is a user and a potential rapist in my book (and a true rapist if he tries anything other than words to convince you), and not worth your time or energy. And remember, I've been a stripper. Not even that gives a person the right to take advantage of you, or do things to you that you don't want.

I don't know much about what happened to make you feel this way. But I know this much -- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Except maybe make a bad decision about who to date, and we've all done that. I had one that delighted in beating me, that I never would have pegged for it when I met him. Maybe your situation was the same, I don't know. But no woman asks for that kind of treatment. That reasoning is used by sick, twisted people to rationalize their own f****d-up behavior, by putting the blame on someone else, so they don't have to face the fact that they're sick and wrong.

I'm proud of you, hun. It's a big step, choosing not to walk into a situation that makes you uncomfortable, despite the pressure. I'm sorry it left you in another uncomfortable situation, but your friends will understand. You have to take care of yourself.
I'm echoing everybody else.

And I'm pretty sure I told you this two years ago, too, but I can't say for certain. The key words in the paragraph everyone's hanging on is his excuses. Let's repeat. his excuses. It's just that, and it's not your fault. At all. You're not responsible for someone elses actions and he's just trying to manipulate you otherwise.

So don't let yourself be pushed around that way, either. 'Cause I'm pretty sure you know it's not really true, anyway.

yo!

Well I think everyone has said their piece. so...just to add to that. He's a big fat asshole with an inferiority complex that just about rivals his ego. Just do what you feel is right, but don't ever let him take control of you again. You are you and well..I like you the way you are. ^.^
I hear all his excuses of 'you said no, but your body said yes' or 'if you didn't want it, you shouldn't have tempted me' echoing in my head. I mean...maybe he was RIGHT. Maybe trying to be attractive -- at that point, I /was/ actually wearing skirts or shorts and showing off my legs, actually /styling/ my hair, etc. -- was actually just asking for it.

Okay. Get that thought out of your head Right This Instant.

You didn't ask for it. He's a prick just for making you think for an INSTANT that you asked for it.

It's inexcusable for such things not to be a two-way street. If you'd wanted it, you would have said so. Anything else is bullshit self-justification on his part. It's your body. Nobody ever has any right to it, no matter what you might say. And you can change your mind at any time. Even if your body is supposedly saying yes. You get to make a conscious, rational decision -- no matter what.

Plus, you have a right to dress however you want without other people assuming that such clothing is a statement of some kind. (And in any event, it certainly doesn't sound like you were dressing provactively in some dangerous area of town, for heavens sake.)

God, I don't even know this guy, and nonetheless I want him to die painfully.
See... this is why rape is such an insidious crime. It's not the actual assault that's the problem, usually. It's what it does to your state of mind.

Rape or sexual assault has NOTHING to do with whether or not your assailant is attracted to you. Old women get raped. Ugly women get raped. Obscenely obese women get raped. Most rapists can't remember what their victims looked like at all.

Sexual assault is about power. If you want to keep yourself safe, you need to work on being more powerful, not less attractive. If you walk tall, and be strong and develop your self-confidence, and wear slinky clothes and fuckme shoes, you won't be victimized. If you wear a potato sack and give off the aura of a victim, you might.

The other side of that is that self-confidence and personal power are also attractive aspects. So it's a win-win. It repels rapists and attracts people who want to get to know you.

Don't give Slug any more power by letting him continue to fuck up your life. He doesn't deserve it. And you deserve so much better. He did what he did because he knew he could exert power over you, not because you styled your hair or wore a dress.

And, sorry, babe, but there is NOTHING you can do about being attractive. I mean, I see you're trying, but it's just not going to work. You're a cutie. There's nothing can be done about it. ;)

Oh, and another thing...

That temptation line is a heaping pile of batshit.

Anyone over the age of 9 should be able to resist the temptation to hurt someone else, or be locked up. I managed to resist the urge to beat Slug's face in, so he should have managed to resist the urge to hurt you in the first place.