Rachel "Sparks" Blackman (seattlesparks) wrote,
Rachel "Sparks" Blackman
seattlesparks

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Ramblings

On the good side, I got a job-bite today. An RPG company here in Seattle...here's hoping that works out. Going back to the games industry might not be the best way to cut down on stress, but it would give me an outlet for creativity and it would give me a paycheck again (very good!)...and while I can delude myself about being a Jill-of-all-trades, it is a delusion.

I'm a programmer, but when you get down to it the bulk of my job experience lies in the gaming community. Game programming, game design, tools design, tools support, game team infrastructure... I've been in the tech industry (as more than a college/part-time intern) for five years; three of them were spent as a video game programmer. On the plus side, it's an RPG company; I'd much prefer that to the old first-person shooters I spent sooooo much of my life working on. And being able to use creativity in a job again would be a plus, though I know that game companies are NEVER low-stress jobs, overtime is a way of life, and a small startup company - like this one - is even moreso. But on the other hand, getting into a company when it's still fairly new means you have a chance to really shape things.

Beyond that, I'm still sick (though DEFINITELY improved from the other day), and home alone today with my thoughts. kieri is en route to Europe, brent2005 is driving wonderwombat back up to the Canadian border for a change-over to her parents and won't be back until around 10pm my time, most likely. So I get to mull over FiranCon and the state of my life in general...

Among other things at FiranCon, I spent some time with a guy who people have been trying to hook me up with for about a year. He's a great guy, and I love spending time with him; after certain events in my past, he's one of the very few guys I feel safe/comfortable getting close to in an emotional/romantic sense, because he would never, EVER take advantage of someone. He's very supportive and protective of those he cares about, but he's also got a really lighthearted way about him and ends up being the life of most parties. He's also evidently had a crush on me for a while. Unfortunately, he also lives halfway across the country from me, and long-distance relationships are something I don't do well with. I guess I have some trouble figuring out how I feel about him, though I know I really love spending time with him and miss him sorely now that the con is over.

As if that wasn't confusing enough, while tipsy/drunk at one point, I ended up cuddling with another girl. Now, I've generally considered myself 'straight'; there's nothing wrong with alternative sexualities, it's just that I didn't fall into that category. But by the end of that cuddling/petting session, the other girl was definitely looking very hot. Luckily she's a good friend and I don't think this changed much between us, but it's made me have to re-examine things. Am I bi, rather than straight? Because I definitely like guys...but it seems I can like girls, too. Not that there's anything wrong with being bi if I am, but I'm just confuuuused! I hate trying to sort out things like this. :)

Maybe it's just a reflection of the fact that I'm really lonely and really want someone to be with me. I think part of the problem I have with the sexuality thing is that when I imagine myself being held it's pretty much always being held by some guy, going to the movies with him and leaning on his shoulder...having a big 'protector' sort, I guess. I think since I've tried to be the healer and protector for so many people, I want someone who I can turn to as a pillar of strength, a shoulder to cry on, someone to bury my face against when the going gets tough. And in my mind, that's always a guy; I think that's why I've regarded myself as straight. But in terms of cuddling and...well, sex and stuff...I guess I'm starting to be able to see myself with another girl as well. Confuzzled! Waugh!

Time to go try to find some food. Throat hurts, yergh.
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