Rachel "Sparks" Blackman (seattlesparks) wrote,
Rachel "Sparks" Blackman

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So, I know I've been somewhat insufferable to a number of my friends lately. And I've worried a number of people, and stressed them out because I wasn't being receptive to help that was offered; I'm not good at accepting help.

Overall, I'm doing a little better now. I'm unhappy that all the job-bites I'm getting are coming from out-of-state, but there's a possibility that's come up at once place here in Seattle which I will hope for... finances are settled and, if not where I'd like them to be, at least at a place where I can make all the bills and still eat for six months without worry.

The other night, I sat down and went over my diary (yes, pre-LJ stuff, on paper) for the last five years. I saw where I was...and where I am now.

I may not be happy with being unemployed and all, but I sort of came to a thought. Back then, I was working myself literally to death (90+ hour work weeks), totally isolated from other people, and generally miserable. Today, I may be unemployed, but I've proven my talents in varied positions since I graduated high school; as a video game designer and programmer, a microchip tools designer and programmer and an applications designer and programmer. I'm very employable - I /am/ getting job offers, they're just all out-of-state! - and I'm willing to learn new things. I may not have an SO, but it's not for lack of people who are interested (just for lack of people who are semi-local, interested, and someone I feel 'more than friendship' for; I can find any two of those but not really all three). I may not consider myself 'beautiful', but enough people seem to find me attractive that hey, I'll listen to their opinion in this case; after all, I don't consider myself /ugly/, either... just 'average'.

Overall, I'm in a better place, mentally and emotionally and health-wise than I've ever been before. Sure, there are things I could change about myself. I wouldn't mind a little fuller bust, for example; if nothing else, I hate being a small B-cup because A-cup bras are definitely too tight and B-cup bras are just slightly too loose. (Male readers: if you get exposed to statements like this, it's your own fault for reading a girl's journal. Nyah.) But they're all /small/ things (no puns, please) like that. Overall, while I'm not very good about valuing myself highly or being very confident about myself, I am at least happy with who I am. I may not believe who I am is likely to have much impact on other people, but that's a different matter entirely. :)

I haven't pulled myself out of the slump I'm in; I'm still a bit down. But in some ways, it's like I've reached the lowest point of the valley and I know I'm climbing uphill on the other side. It's not a pleasant climb, but I can make it. I can see the sun at the crest of the ridge, and I know my friends are waiting for me up there. Eventually I'll reach it and I'll take up my places in life again.

Anyway, I'm tired. One or two more things to do, and then I go to bed. Zzz...
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