Rachel "Sparks" Blackman (seattlesparks) wrote,
Rachel "Sparks" Blackman

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Well, yesterday was a roller-coaster, this is a downhill slide mood-wise.

The day started with mom calling me and wanting to know had I found a job yet. No? Why not? Have I had any job bites? No? Well, maybe I need to look harder. Am I doing things other than job-hunting? Maybe having houseguests is a bad idea when I should be job-hunting. What about those relocation-required jobs? California isn't /that/ bad, right? Or that job in London? Well, alright, how long will unemployment last? And for how much? Well, at least it keeps the rent paid. But still, perhaps there are other options or connections? Are Jen and Brent resentful that you're unemployed right now? Are you sure? Remember you shouldn't be accepting money from others if you can help it, everyone's tight these days. Be sure to keep paying your way. Etc. We were at an IHoP at the time, and so after mom got off the cellular with me, to satisfy the overall mentality mom put into my head, I just grabbed the check and went up and paid it before anyone else could.

So I started in the day feeling honestly like I was a failure and was wasting time on things that detract from my being a productive member of society. I know that's not what mom intended, and I know it's not how I should feel, but it did end up making me feel that way. I know mom's just trying to help provide advice and try to provide incentive to find something faster, but... I dunno.

After mom's call, I got talked to on Firan, about whether or not I had finished an assignment and stuff. And I know the other staffers there don't resent me for being less-active lately, but on top of mom's phonecall I felt like, wow, I'm /totally/ useless. Even the thing I do when I could be spending all my moments job-hunting, I'm not fulfilling my responsibilities on; that was a fully depressing realization. So I finally bit the bullet and stepped down from my staff position there. In some ways that was a disheartening thing...especially giving up the deity-character I've played on there, who I've really enjoyed.

I guess I'm just feeling badly out-of-sorts today. Mom's call was extremely ill-timed even if well-intentioned, and right now I feel like I'm good for little other than laying on my bed and reading. But I can't even concentrate on a book, so... guah.
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