Rachel "Sparks" Blackman (seattlesparks) wrote,
Rachel "Sparks" Blackman

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[Life] The Least-Edible Food Product in the World

So, I have to share this cautionary tale with others; we have discovered the Least-Edible Food Product in the World.

This weekend, shadowfey and the Beast picked up food before heading over to our house for our tabletop group. On a whim, they picked up "Nabisco Cakesters" along with the bread, cheese and other munchables.

Now, I'm not a huge fan of most junk food, but I admit to a fondness for Nilla Wafers. And I think we can all agree that Oreoes are one of the universally recognized Supreme Cookies of the World. And cake is nice, right? So turning these things into cake might be at least palatable, right?

I must regretfully announce that these things are a crime against god and nature. Why, Nabisco? WHY?

To begin with, let's take the Nilla Cakesters. The humble Nilla Wafer is a paragon of simplicity. Small, crunchy and deliciously vanilla-flavored... hard to go wrong with that, right? Well, let us examine how Nabisco managed this.

First, take something that looks like a Nilla Wafer. But instead of delicious Wafer, let's take a dish-sponge and soak it in vanilla extract. And not even the GOOD vanilla extract, but the cheap Kroger store brands of 'vanilla-flavored extract' that Alton Brown would rail against. And this isn't a nice fresh dish sponge, either, but one of those that has been used often enough to turn into a shapeless mass with the consistency of Play-Doh.

Now take two of these 'cake-like food products,' and smoosh them together with creme between them. Except calling this 'creme' is perhaps too generous. This goo bears no resemblance to dairy that I could tell, and instead is sort of the bastard spawn of Cool Whip and spoiled marshmallow goo. We were all fairly certain that this horrible gunk was in fact some petroleum byproduct. (Thus, by not buying these 'Cakesters,' you will be doing your part to help lower oil consumption!)

I did not even try the Oreo Cakesters. But I am assured that they were just as bad; kieri, who will normally eat anything chocolate, took one bite, turned slightly pale, and threw the rest away. Given her commentary, I'm not certain that the Oreo Cakester actually contained any chocolate.

We're not certain this stuff could be sold in Canada, due to those truth-in-advertising laws, without significant disclaimers. ('Nilla Cakesters do not contain cake, vanilla, or any other recognizable food-related substance.')

Now we have a box of each of these remaining, and I am actually afraid to throw them away due to the apparent risk of environmental contamination. I honestly think the best use of the remaining stuff would be in mad scientist type experiments.

Tags: food, life
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