Rachel "Sparks" Blackman (seattlesparks) wrote,
Rachel "Sparks" Blackman

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So, here I am. Sick, and insomniac, at midnight, while my roommate has gone home to her parents' for the weekend and left the apartment otherwise empty. I really should just go take some meds and try to sleep, but instead I'm sitting here being vaguely (and perhaps unjustifiably) melancholy.

It's a universal truth I doubt anyone would disagree with: being lonely sucks.

It seems like human nature is against a good relationship starting and working out, sometimes. People get hurt, in everyday life. Many start to play their deeper emotions closer to them, wrapping protective shields around themselves. It becomes harder and harder to open up and have the sharing needed for a real, decent relationship.

I admit I've been hurt before, and so find myself less likely to simply open up to someone casually. Plus, I'll be bluntly honest: my self-esteem is not the greatest.

I don't consider myself particularly attractive, despite the fact that I've been told that at a gathering I went to in Maryland a few months ago, a number of people thought I was one of the cutest / most attractive girls there. I don't generally feel that attractive, anyway. I usually feel plain, average.

I don't consider myself exceptionally skilled, either. I'm a decent writer, but hardly the best out there. A good actress, but not one whose performances will be remembered for years. A so-so artist, but rarely satisfied with my work. A good coder, but not one who'll innovate the world. And so on. I've dabbled in more things than I can count - astronomy, archaeology, acting, writing, and so on - and yet never really mastered any one of them in a way that will leave a lasting mark on the world. That's one reason it always seems so odd to me that some people look up to me as a coder or writer.

Perhaps this self-perception of simply being average spills over to any attempt to have a relationship as well, making me fade into the background, or at the very least just come across as another person on the streets.

It just sort of struck me today. I was lying on the couch feeling miserably sick, and I kind of wished I had someone to curl up against and just put my head on. Feeling them near while I rested. In short, I'm lonely. Not just the normal 'oh, the apartment has had three people in it so much lately, and now I'm alone for a few days' sort of lonely. This is some kind of deeper loneliness.

And why am I lonely? According to at least a few guys I know, I'm apparently reasonably attractive, and at least a few consider me a 'really cool person'. It hardly seems fair to blame the rest of the world for something affecting me, so thoughts turn inwards on why I might find myself in this situation. And all I can find is that I need to let myself open up more.

Maybe I'm analyzing this too much; it's late, and the mind does funny things while feverish at late hours.
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