An Interview with Glorfindel
During a recent trip to the Havens, I happened to run into an elf named Glorfindel. Glorfindel, as you may or may not know, is the son of Elrond of Rivendell. Seeing the burgeoning popularity of the cinematic debut of "The Lord of the Rings" directed by Peter Jackson, I thought this a ripe opportunity to ask the young elf his thoughts on the movie and the books brought to life, as it were.
I was quite surprised to find the young elf exceedingly bitter concerning the movie portrayal of Tolkien's classic work, and he ranted for sometime about how his crucial role, that of saving the Ringbearer at the Ford of Rivendell, was not only taken away from him but given to his sister.
From there he proceeded to go into a long, and rather revealing, history of his family, and painted a rather negative father figure for Elrond, and a less than flattering picture of his sister. It would seem the elves aren't quite as lofty and idealistic as they'd have the rest of us believe - in fact the picture he paints is one of a family that can only be called dysfunctional.
Here is just some of the interview conducted with Glorfindel; the rest can be seen on METV (Middle Earth Television) at Friday, October 24 at elevenses. Warning: The language used by Glorfindel is at times... colorful. The thoughts and opinions of Glorfindel are not necessarily those of METV and its affiliates.
[Cut to scene: A young looking elf, which really doesn't help because they're all young looking, sits in a high back chair. Across from him sits the interviewer, between the both of them there is a table, a pitcher of water and two glasses]
Interviewer: Glorfindel, I would like to thank you for joining us today.
Glorfindel: Excuse me, that's Glor-FIN-del. You see? No wonder I was cut out of the movie, you can't even pronounce my name right! What's the matter, too many syllables?
Int: Sorry Glor-FIN-del, won't happen again. At any rate, thank you for joining me here today. It would seem you have some difficulties with Peter Jackson's portrayal of the first part of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring. Why don't you tell the viewing public the nature of your beef.
Glor: Beef? It's just like you human's to trivialize one of the greatest atrocities visited upon Elvenkind since Isildur first dubbed Gil-Galad, Gill Glad Garbage bags.. you know, he never did live that one down.
Int: We don't mean to trivialize anything Glorfindel...
Glor: That's Glor-FIN-del!
Int: I apologize, but as I was saying - we're not trying to trivialize anything, in fact, this is your opportunity to voice your problems with Jackson's movie.
Glor: Yes, well it's so simple that even you could understand it, simple human. My biggest problem with The Fellowship of the Ring was simply that I wasn't in it. Not even a mention! I bust my ass trying to save that sawed off savior at the Ford of Rivendell and I don't even get a mention in the movie!
Int: According to Mr. Jackson, some sacrifices to the story had to be made in order to keep the movie under budget, how do you respond to that?
Glor: Orc manure! Its orc manure is what it is! Jackson would sell his mother to a Uruk'hai if it would save him a few coppers. The proof is that he didn't cut the scene out entirely, the gave it to Arwen - my sister! Stabbed in the back by one of my own kind! But I suppose she's always wanted to be one of your kind anyway... gave her heart - and her immortality mind you - to that Aragorn fellow. (Mutters: "Should have changed his name to Arrogant.. "Oh, I'm not good enough to be King, what if I betray the world too, like my great, great, great, great, great grand daddy!" Whine, whine whine").
Int: So whom do you see as responsible for this injustice? Jackson or Arwen?
Glor: Both! Jackson first for taking me out of the film altogether - I even offered to just play one of those Lothlorien elves - but oh no! He wouldn't even let me do that. He had the temerity to say that I wasn't quite ELVISH enough for the role - me! An actual elf not quite Elvish enough!
Glor: And my sister! Don't get me started on her. For our entire lives, all several hundred years of them, she's been Daddy's girl. Elrond would turn his head while she pushed me out of trees and shot me with dull arrows. But when I ran to him to complain he called me a momma's boy - I don't even know the name of my mother!
Int: Are you suggesting that your father isn't what we believe him to be? You would have the world believe that Elrond, head of the Last Lonely House, is nothing but respectable?
Glor: Show's what you know round ear. Ever since the Great War, Elrond's developed a... taste for the Elvish wine. You might say I'm lucky my name isn't ZinFANdel...
Int: Indeed... that's a rather astounding revelation Glorfindel, but..
Glor: It's GLORFINDEL!
Int: Whatever, as I was saying, you'll have a hard time convincing the fans of Tolkien's work that Elrond is anything but noble.
Glor: That's just it! I'm the only member of the family who doesn't come out of this movie looking great. And you know why I don't come out of this film looking great? BECAUSE I WAS NEVER IN THIS FILM!!!
Int: I would just like to play devil's advocate here Glor-FIN-del. With your role in Tolkien's book taking up only 6 pages, did you really expect to make an appearance in the movie with only that much of a mention in the books? When you think about it, anyone could have saved Frodo's life at the Ford... even Ted Sandyman the Miller's son.
Glor: I SAVED FRODO'S LIFE!!! ME!!! NOT SANDYMAN! NOT I'M TOO GOOD TO BE KING OF GONDOR ARAGORN AND DEFINITELY NOT ARWEN!!!! ME!!!!!
Int: Calm down Glorfindel...
Glor: GLORFINDEL!!!! Can't you even emphasize the FIN? Is it too hard for you? It's the same three letters that start the word FIN-ished - just like this interview!
[GlorFINdel storms off stage]
Int: Well ladies and gentleman, there you have it. A troubled, forgotten elf by the name of Glorfindel...
[An arrow whizzes by the interviewer's head, embedding itself into the back of the chair... from off stage comes a tormented voice: "Glor-FIN-del!"]
Int: ... Glor-FIN-del. Don't forget to tune into METV for the rest of the Interview, in which we find out some rather revealing things about the relationship of Aragorn and Arwen. And next week on METV Now, another interview with a lost character as Tom Bombadil speaks out about his own non-appearance in The Fellowship of the Ring. So for now, ladies and gentlemen, goodnight and good sleep.
[Fade to black]