September 22nd, 2002

FF Sparks (Casual)

Ever have one of those days...

...when you realize you can't do anything right?

I dunno. Maybe it's partly sleep-deprivation, and frustration over some stuff that happened earlier today coloring my perceptions. Who knows.

I just feel like lately, no matter what I do, I end up pissing people off. Especially moreso now, where I'm trying hard to stand up for myself...I do it, and people get unhappy. Or I end up left alone, and so with a bittersweet victory at best. Worse still, I'm still /learning/ to stand up for myself more, and I'm still trying to sort out relationships one by one and figure out where I stand for /myself/, rather than where I stand based on what I think others want. But that's meant withdrawing a bit almost involuntarily from people as I sort out where I stand, and THAT's hurt people. But I'm not at a place where I can voice what I'm doing/thinking clearly yet...ergh.

This has led to something else, basically, which I don't like; I'm feeling very 'alienated' from people in general right now. Like I've changed the rules of my interaction by deciding to stand up for myself, but since so much of my day-to-day interactions were based on 'what others want from me', I haven't yet figured the new rules out. And as a result of trying to step back to figure out the rules, I'm pissing people off.

I've realized I've been doing this for a while. Even before my epiphany, I'd begun trying to do it...and I can look back and sort out that the 'experiencing the world through a sheet of glass' feeling I'd mentioned some time ago was part of this trying to step back and re-evaluate, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it.

I dunno...I guess I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But asking for help on this isn't exactly easy...or necessarily even /wise/. If I ask someone else to help me through this, no matter how good their intentions... well, it seems a little counter-intuitive to ask someone else to tell me how to stand up for myself and make my own decisions. It's such an easy pattern to fall back in...asking others to make my decisions for me. Letting them tell me what to do. And I have smart friends, many times, some of the ones I listen to are right about things. But even asking someone who's right about things a lot of the time to decide what I should do...that's not a good path to follow right now at this formative stage, right?

Bleah.
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