So, the doctors looked over the x-rays and changed the diagnosis. Originally they thought it was a fractured/broken ankle. After getting the x-rays back and looking at them, the answer is that it's 'the worst sprain I've seen in my career' and that it 'probably hurts more than a broken bone would.' I'm still supposed to keep weight off it for two weeks, and ace bandage it after a week (too swollen to do so right now).
Plus side, don't need a cast and I manage to keep my record of 'no broken bones' intact!
Down side, still in a lot of pain, still supposed to go get crutches to be on for two weeks, and the sprain's bad enough that the doc says it may require physical therapy.