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FF Sparks (Casual)

Foggy morning musings...

It's a grey day out, and the Sound is a sea of fog and clouds looking down from my office. The tips of the Olympic mountains across the Sound poke through the top of the clouds, seen dimly through the mist, looking for all the world like some untamed, unsettled foreign land with their wooded slopes and snowcapped tops. Beautiful, but it's oddly melancholy, too.

Woke up this morning with an abysmally sore throat, unable to speak. Makes for a fun day at work, though luckily mostly I just need to get the new FPGA-load for the Peabody board done so I don't need to talk /too/ much since I have all the specs here. Am sipping on some tea, and it's helping a little.

Have been thinking a lot about relationships, lately. They're important to me on some deep level, something which surfaces a lot in roleplaying and writing...and yet I'm still scared of them. Aside from my innately somewhat shy nature, where I tend to hide myself away under deeper layers from those around me, I still have a lot of issues with relationships after my disaster of an ex-boyfriend. It's an unpleasant duality...I crave physical contact; not in a heavily sexual sense, but just affectionate ways. Cuddling on a couch, etc. And yet on some level, I'm also very uncomfortable with physical contact anymore after that whole mess. Right now, a healthy and loving relationship seems about as far away to me as the 'distant land' poking up from the sea of clouds across the Sound; close enough to see, but always just out of reach.

And yet, I /am/ lonely. With kieri and brent2005 back into displays of affection and cuddling, it does bring it home again. I certainly don't begrudge them their gestures, though...I just sort of wish /I/ had someone to curl up on the couch with. Unfortunately, I'm not good at even /starting/ a relationship, due to my fears, so...

Eh. On a somewhat happier note, I'll be up in Vancouver this weekend with my mother. For all that she and I butt heads over things, and she's almost scarily motivated to 'remain a controlling influence' in my life, I /do/ love her. And she's about to return to the monastery for the better part of a year, in late February...so we're going to have a mother/daughter weekend, since she's leaving for Hawaii with dad soon for /them/ to have some time together before she goes. I'll try to stop by and say hi to some of the Vancouver crowd while there, and I'll get to go to La Casa Gelato and get more of that ungodly good black cherry ice cream.

Anyway, back to my driver-coding.

Comments

Mmmm. I have to admit, as I sit in my windowless office, that I eenvy you for your view of the Sound and the mountains, even if the day is grey. I hear that Seattle is a beautiful city, even in the slightly more dreary winter months. Even on its best days, Austin doesn't provide much in the ways of lush, beautiful vistas. Besides, it is drab and nasty here today as well which doesn't do much good for my mood either. It probably doesn't help that I was at work until 3:00am last night debugging the core OS in one of our automated tracking systems.

Not that it is any of my buisness, but I can commiserate about how you are feeling. I also tend to hide myself away under deeper layers from those around me, especially when I'm not all that close to those I know at work or at the places my hobbies take me. When my last SO left town abruptly in pursuit of a job, I basically came to realize there was no one around who really understood who I was or that I could confide in. While I'm sure you're not in as hard a place as this, the feelings you describe are all to familiar to me as I deal with trying to reorient my life and search for friends I can be myself with. I guess I'm just hoping that, in time, I'll find my way toward where I want to be (so long as I keep trying). Hang in there, anyhow. The right person is bound to drift along sometime. :)

Anyway, I should get back to computing satellite uplink budgets. *snore*

Hope you don't mind a friend of a friend (kmacmahon) babbling at you.
Take care.